BY HOWARD WALKER
No matter how many shoe-horns you use, no matter how much WD-40 you spray around the nether regions, grandma is never going to squeeze into the back of a Porsche 911.
Yes, theoretically, Porsche's legendary sportscar does have what may appear to be a couple of rear seats. But unless your name is Mini-Me, there's no way you're going to accommodate any human form back there.
Of course, the good herr doctors at Porsche's Zuffenhausen HQ realized this and, back in 2002, introduced a 911-on-stilts, otherwise known as the Cayenne SUV. It gave adoring 911 lovers the opportunity to keep a Porsche in the driveway and, at the same time, have something capacious enough to carry the kids, their Pack 'n Plays, and grandma too.
While the Cayenne did its job admirably, there's something that still doesn't sit quite right about a tall-riding Porsche that's capable of scaling Kangchenjunga.
That's why the arrival of the impressive new Panamera four-door sedan will be greeted by Porsche-istas with the same level of enthusiasm the average 13-year-old greets a Twitter-enabled iPhone.
This is a proper, stretch-out-spacious four-seater, with real room in the back for real people. And despite that ski slope roofline, there's even an impressive amount of headroom in the rear.
But before we summon-up the superlatives and go all slack-jawed about the car's awesome performance and curve-carving handling, we need to share a word or two about the Panamera's, er, styling.
I know we all adore the timeless, iconic lines of the fabled 911. But seemingly chain-sawing one in half and grafting in an extra 20 inches and two additional doors results in a silhouette that verges on the butt ugly.
But as the Cayenne so rightly proved, Porsches don't have to be objects of visual beauty; they just have to go like stink.
And mashing the 'go' pedal on a 500-horsepower Panamera Turbo summons-up the kind of performance that would shame an F/A-18 Hornet on takeoff. Sixty flashes-up from standstill in a tongue-swallowing 3.8 seconds, with the relentless thrust not tailing off until the speedo is displaying 188 mph.
As the Cayenne proved so well, Porsche is the maestro at giving big, heavyweights the DNA of an agile sports car. Despite tipping the scales at over 4,300 pounds in Turbo form, the new Panamera is lighter on its feet than Warren Sapp on Dancing With The Stars.
With a full compliment of traction-enhancing, computer-driven hardware - everything from adaptive damping to active anti-roll bars - the big Panamera seemingly defies physics with its breathtaking ability to blast round corners.
It is a fabulous-driving machine, with surgically-precise steering, no-lean cornering and a ride quality that, while sports-car-firm is magical in its absorbency of lumps and bumps.
A trio of Panamera models will be on offer starting this fall, kicking off with the 'base' rear-drive Panamera S at $89,800, along with an all-wheel drive Panamera 4S that's yours for $93,800. Both feature a 400-horsepower 4.8-liter V8. The range-topper is that thundering all-wheel drive Turbo at a cool $132,000. All will feature Porsche's hugely-impressive seven-speed, double-clutch PDK automatic.
Practicality has never been such a blast.
Tampa-based Howard Walker is a leading automotive journalist and, through Marty Schorr is a friend of the Café Racers. Howard's work has appeared in Car and Driver, Robb Report, AutoWeek along with a number of international auto magazines.